First of all, I don’t know about you, but there hasn’t been a better time to be wealthy in America. Anyone that had a few million dollars to drop in the market during the “Economic Crisis,” now has tens of millions, and the best part is we’re paying fewer taxes! We nearly bankrupted the whole country, not to mention the world, and yet everyone blames the government. We are at a high point and maybe this can’t last forever, but until then, utilize the following ten tips from our founder, Drew Dogan III, for staying wealthy and under the radar:
1. Blame Immigration – They may steal jobs and get out of paying taxes but so do we! Nobody ever asks who's giving them their jobs at half the cost, so why should we say anything? I employed this tactic at my last company and increased my bonus by 80%. All I had to do was lay off 100 American workers and replace them with immigrant workers at half the cost (utilizing Tip #6). The best part is that these subordinates blamed Immigration and the Government (See Tip #3).
2. Remind everyone where you graduated from – College was a good time and thanks to your ancestry, you attended the “best of the best.” Who cares if you are not a strategic thinker, have no work ethic and don’t understand what half your employees do? You went to __________! It’s not how smart you are that matters, but rather where your degree is from and who you know.
3. Blame the Government – The meaning of Life is simple, it's money! I could take all that free money and create jobs, but why? I’m guaranteed a salary and a bonus in my contract and that’s all the incentive I need to keep things the way they are. Truth is, any additional tax breaks go right into my pocket -and you know who I blame? That’s right, the Government. Aren’t they supposed to create jobs? We donate campaign funds and lobby for a reason; make them earn it.
4. Stay together – I don’t like to spend unnecessary money, so it’s crucial that nobody suddenly decides to grow a heart. It's important to stick to doing business with old classmates and family friends. When it comes to doing business with friends, cost should never be part of the equation. After all, you may need a return favor some day.
5. Blame Regulation – True story- before Sarbanes Oxley, I falsified $20M in Receivables at the end of one year to make my quota and “achieve" my sales bonus. I also worked with a Vendor to buy $500k of goods for $1M (we split the additional $500k on the back end). A year later, I was caught- and do you know what happened? I was paid out of my contract with an additional $2M! The last thing my company wanted to do was let their customers and clients know there was fraudulent activity that high up.
6. Continue to cut costs – This is an easy one. If you can’t make your budget to make your bonus, lay off employees. Don’t risk money already in your pocket by trying to create new products or restore profitablity. Buy companies, lay off employees and “create synergies.” This ought to buy you some time with the board.
7. Continue to Make Personal decisions – Sometimes my clients get confused with number #6. The company should still be treated as your own personal bank account (Don't cut costs that affect your lifestyle). If you want to see a show in Paris, take the company jet and go. You’re the boss and you deserve it. Tip #6 should only affect the day to day life of subordinates (i.e. turning an office into 4 cubicles, laying off one subordinate and doubling the work of another, increasing insurance costs, etc.).
8. If you are going to steal, steal big – In order to afford the best lawyers you’ll need lots of money. Also, remember that stealing from the American public is OK, but never still from your own (i.e. Bernie Madoff), we will make sure you are punished.
9. Pretend to care every now and then – The truth is that most unemployed subordinates could do your job better than you. I only say this because they are desperate, and they actually care. They would probably work 24 hours straight if they had your salary and could not only fix their lives, but also the lives of their neighbors. Even though you have them blaming the government, it’s good to throw them a bone every now and then. You can always raise benefit costs and cut benefits next year to cover the difference.
10. Invent Dick to Dick – Those who Invent Dick to Dick, will be able to have it all. Seen as innovators and forward thinkers, Dick to Dick Inventors will be able to continue living the American dream while maintaining the respect their title deserves.